Why? Por que? Pour quoi?

Been missing writing here for ages.

There were like a thousand thing happening in my life since last February..

Starting with an awful day with Phillipe, up and down about making decision of where to work, starting my Salonku business, moving to Bandung due to work, back to Jakarta after field assignment, broke up with him, got a new task at HO, and now, figuring out that all men are and will not ever be loyal to one woman only.

About the business, I love doing it so much. I learn so many things within several months.  It is very tiring to ship orders everyday but It makes good income for me, and last month was very surprising.  Hopefully I can keep on doing this.  Got no clue what will happen if They send me to other city for work.

Broke up with him.
14 juin 2015.
It was much more than hurting to see those pictures and conversations at his mobile phone.  Not the first, but third time. How could he do such thing to me. Am I that priceless for him?  I was so angry at that time, like I could not believe what happen to our relationship. I forgive but I won't forget. I do not tell anyone why we broke up as it will only be an aib for him.  Let me keep things only in mind and let others keep on blaming me for this.

To be honest, he is much more annoying when we broke up than before. He would be very angry if I don't reply to him soon, or not answering to his date invitation, or to pick me up at office, etc. we both have hard time being separated like now. But, if I remember of what has happened, I feel really awful and nasty. Why me, why him, why he was doing that? I still could not believe that he's been doing that during our first-year relationship. How could I trust you from now on? All those bad pictures and imaginations would come up everytime, really everytime, every moment. 

He did 't even think about me when he did that nasty thing. Why would I think about him right now? But if I do not care about him, he will be very mad, saying that he's very sad, mad at our situation, etc, like he was doing nothing's wrong and I am the mean one to break up with him while he is here in Jakarta with me. 

If you ask me now whether he and I end up to a wedding, I would say NOT SURE. I forgive but I don't forget. How could I be assured that he won't do it again, while he's been doing that for three times in a year. Shit.

I will stand on my own, show him and the world that I can stand by myself. That I can get what I want, I do things my way and I will be successful for what I am doing right now. 

Everyone said that I am too independent. Well, No other choice. I have to be independent so that I can be sure that I get what I want in my own way.

Still questioning, why he did that...

Really have no clues where life brings me.
I've been missing Paris so much these days and was dreaming how IF I live in Paris.

Letter from me a year ago

Dear FutureMe,

I am now sitting in my desk in Biologique Recherche in such a sunny day in Suresnes with Luc in front of me in not a very good mood for today. This is the first day of my second month doing internship here. At one point, I wish to finish this internship soon, means I want time to fly to beginning of July. On the other side, if time flies, I might miss it because it means closer to go back to Indonesia. I know I will return to Indonesia before the end of September. This is what I want, to restart my career and be with the people I love there. But somehow I have this feeling that hold me to be here a little bit longer, because I know, once I am back there, there might come a time when I will miss my life here and as wise man says, time will never come back.

I enjoy my time here, a lot. I go to work from Monday to Friday, squeeze myself into the Metro, then come back home, cook at night, and talk with some friends, then read a book or watch a movie before going to bed. Same routine everyday 'til Saturady comes and I do the weekly shopping in LIDL or Leader Price or Carrefour, then meet Sanja and Levce or do something else. Then I go to church on Sunday. Yesterday i went to Notre Dame for Sunday mass. I was smilling to myself because the last time I was there, I was a real tourist, taking picture and looking at the architecture. But now I am going there, not even haing time to enjoy the architecture because I was late for the mass. I saw many tourists and I felt that how fast time has flown and now I am at a different point from several months ago.

Lately, I have been realizing that I no longer want to say 'I hope time will fly'. I realize that it's not about the time in the future that I should care about. It's about the time right now. I might not be able to remember all the things I see, all the people I meet, all the impression I have, but I want to at least remember the feelings I have during that time.

Sometimes I wish I won't forget every single detail I have in my life. But if it happens, then I will also remember all the bad days I have, and it might not be too fascinating.

So future me, I don't know where life will bring me after Paris, after this master study, after returning back home, after meeting my family, my friends who I love there. A year from now, where do you think i will be? Will I already settle down? Will I already meet someone special? Will I already fed up with the traffic in Jakarta? 

I guess I will, especially the last one. So when that time arrives, thie email will remind me why I am there and not in paris, why I take that decision instead of working in Paris for the sake of money.

The whole journey in France is really a precious experience for me. It's no longer about 'being so cool to do master abroad, and have weekend gateaway in Paris or Germany or Italy, etc.' It's teaching me what is important in life. This is really showing me what I want for my life, not only for career, but more for my entire life, family, sisterhood, brother, friends, best friends, old friends, career, new family, relationship with God, be a better person, respect things and people more than I used to, and the most important one, to see how blessed I am to be who I am now. Wise man said, 'look down and you'll realize how lucky you are'. Yes, I did look down. Seeing people on the street begging for money, sleeping in the Metro station in these cold weather, hugging dogs while begging in order to get warm, getting drunk on Monday afternoon like you have nothing else to do.

I wish I could say that i have nothing to ask more from God, but in fact, I always have things I ask from Him. I wish health and happiness for my big family, I wish peace in our hearts, I wish to meet someone special in my life. En plus, I wish to always be happy for who I am now.

Okay, It's time for lunch now. I have spagetti with lardon and taboulé for lunch and yaout for dessert.

What is my lunch a year from now? --> I had rice with fish in Thai sauce

hugs,
happy me from last year

fingers crossed

almost end of January now and things have been so unpredictable. 

let me write my new job here, with Monsieur BM. 

Now I am working at an office, where there are only a total of 9 people, including two security guys. So it's very small. PA is the owner of the company, who owns a resort in Bali, a museum at Nusa Dua and 11 gasoline center in around Jakarta area. In short, he is wealthy rich. 

But I am not working with him. I work with BM, a very extremely incredibly smart guy that I respect so much. He is a Colonel in France and a Doctor in Juridical Sciences Law.  He was working for the Minister homme d'affaires in Paris, but since 2009, he was being sent to Indonesia as the representative from EU for a project with ASEAN in Jakarta.  I really love having conversation and discussions with him, as he is really smart. and he is smart in the major that I know nothing about, crisis management. 

I learn so many things from him. From crisis management, to the way a crisis manager should think, to how the government runs in my country, to how good the systems have been in France, to many other things.  In addition, I speak French as well with him, so basically I learn so many things. 

However, I don't like what I am doing right now. Because I cannot develop myself in this office. Now, we are trying to approach the government and have some appointments with them to explain to them how important it is for a country to have a crisis center so that it can help them to provide public safety for the people.  Well, working with government is not that easy though.  

This month I was travelling to Bali and Surabaya with him, and I realize that this project is really not easy.  Because it is a mega project that I don't think the government can handle it.  this country is way too far behind, in my opinion.  

BUT, I just received a call saying that I am being accepted to the next process, that is medical check up. yuhuuu.. I am very excited about it. I remembered I was crying last month because 2 of 5 interviewees were called for next process and i was not one of the two. I applied for marketing at the beginning and never get the good news, but then they call me for sales position in the same company. So I said yes, of course. They said that I am suitable more in Sales than Marketing. Well, so far I have been accepted in one marketing position and one sales position in two different companies. So I, myself, have no idea about this.  But I will try my best. I hope the offer will be good so I can leave this company with any regret. 

ahhh thanks God, the Sangjit project went well, and DH is amazing, he has been very helpful to me and he is the best. I should never doubt his ability in doing *almost* every technical thing. Je t'aime toujours cheri. =)

***fingers crossed***

Hope I can get next customer for the Sangjit Project and also Salonku project. 

I am quite busy these days with some customers for Salonku and some prospective customers asking info about Sangjit Project. But, I am happy with it, instead the fact I gain weight as I have no time for gym. =(