Last
Wednesday, the 12, was not an easy day for me and my sisters and brother. My mom had her cancer surgery on that day. We
found out about her disease like around one month ago. And then we decided to
check with another doctor in Jakarta, and the result was similar to the one my
mom got in Malaysia. Then we decided that my mom would do the surgery in
Malaysia, as she always go to that hospital and, in my opinion, that hospital
is more efficient in doing everything, such as taking blood sample, etc.
It was
scheduled on Thursday but all of a sudden my mom decided to do it as early as
possible. So when I woke up, at around 7am here, my mom was already ready for
the surgery there. I was pretty shocked
that morning. That day I had the
training in Champs Elysees, and we had quite a long pause for lunch, so I went
around Champs Elysees, going to some stores, etc. But my mind was not there at
all. The doctor said that the surgery
will take around 2.5 hours but at the end it took more than 5 hours. During
those additional 3 hours, I was pretty awful, like not knowing what happened
and at the same time, can do nothing at all. What I can do all the time was
looking at my mobile phone all the time checking if there is any news in our
‘sisterhood’ group, expecting any good news anytime soon. My brother and my aunty were there to
accompany my mom.
At that
time I felt so awful. My family was
occupied to prepare the ticket, the money, the departure, etc., and here I
could do nothing except asking so many questions. And then during the surgery, I was not there
to accompany my mom, and could not imagine how awful the time of my brother
waiting in front of the operation room.
I said to myself, ‘no, this is not what I want to face anymore in the future’,
feeling so guilty for being able to do nothing.
That moment
makes me sure about the decision I already have in my head of returning home
after the master. Some of my friends
keep on asking and persuading me to stay in France, as I can get a job, a
better salary, a more exciting life in Paris, etc. Until now, I know that’s not what I
want. For me, what’s the point of
earning money for yourself, enjoying a glass of wine with your colleague or
friends that you don’t really share everything with, enjoying buying branded
stuff that won’t give you comfort during the lonely weekends. I finally find out what kind of life I want
for myself. I don’t care how great it would be to work in Paris, to have a
French boyfriend, or whatsoever, no, it’s just not what I imagine about my
future. I don’t want to miss my nephews’
and nieces’ birthday, my brother’s graduation day, staying home with mom and
dad, celebrating Chinese’s New Year together, etc. There are enormous things I would miss just
because of staying here. And yeah also
if somebody may be sick and need any help, I don’t want to be the only who only
stare at her mobile phone all the time like last Wednesday.
It’s pretty
funny though that a friend of mine keeps on asking me ‘will you stay in
France?’ ‘why don’t you want to stay?’ ‘are you sure you don’t want to be
here?’ almost every time we meet, which is almost every week. I am even more confident to the decision I
have in my head now, dear friend. =)
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